Sunday, January 21, 2007


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
> --Don't tease them. It will only piss them off. Taureans are realists. If you
say that you are horny: Prepare to be fucked. Taureans are heavy indulgers,
though. All forms of indulgence: Sex-drugs-wine-food...whatever their vice may
be: they simply cannot get enough. They do not believe in moderation. They will
fuck until they are sore. Taurus likes to have sex just for the sake of having
sex. What they lack in originality, they make up for in stamina and endurance. they may not be into bondage, okay? But they WILL lick you until you
have at least three orgasms or until you pass out...whichever comes first.
Taurus uses their tongue for EVERYthing...and I mean that. They love to lick
people in whipped cream, alcohol, chocolate, flesh and candy???Bring it on!
Caution: They are looking for a relationship so be kind to them.
> They also have a BIG wet thing for scent. Sometimes they don't want a lover to
bathe before sex. Or you may find them shaggin in a garden or a
smell the dirt: After all, they are Earth signs.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> VIRGO(aug 23-sep 22)
> This is the MOST confused sign on the planet. This sign is pretty realistic:
No Frills. They love to fuck in showers not because it's kinky...but because of
hygenic reasons...they are big into sanitary issues. Every Virgo I have ever met
has issues...always going back to hygiene. They have to arrange time in their
busy schedules to have sex...But when a reservation is made...You had better be
there on time, if not a little early. With flowers. And Clean.
> Virgos want to make their partner happy. That's it. USUALLY. You will always
get a freaky Virgo. Even so, they will TRY to get YOU to cum. And if they can't
make you cum, they will buy someone or something that will.
> Yes you read that right.
> They LIVE to masturbate...whether its you rubbing them, them rubbing
you...them rubbing against your fox fur coat...whatever! Some Virgos WANT to be
punished. They will do naughty things to be caught so they can be punished. They
are perfect for Aries who want to punish SOMEBODY. Anybody! Pretend rape scenes
also turn on Virgos. As long as they know they are secretly safe. If you have
ever seen the Carnival Rape scene in 'Henry & June' this is a Virgo wet dream.
Also all Virgos like to see Camel Toes...what's up with that? Sherlock Holmes
was probably a Virgo...or a repressed Gemini.
> Aries (March 21- June-5)
> LIVES for head massages. ANY part of their head: Lips, Eyelids, Eyes, Tongue,
you name it! Aries also likes to fuck in public places during business hours.
You need to be open minded with an Aries...If you don't feel like being duct
taped to a wall and beaten with live ferrets: Tell Them. Be warned! IF you don't
want to be kinky, don't be with an Aries. If you say 'No' too often to them you
may lose them as a lover forever.
> Aries Idea of Heaven Is: Participating in live sex shows for money. Having
their favorite human toy win first place in a pony boy/girl race. Fucking as an
art form on display in a gallery. They secretly crave to be strippers or Annie
Sprinkle. Aries LIVES to be jealous...they also like to coordinate other people
fucking. Secretly desire to be fluffers. Aries owned a Violet Wand before it was
popular. They are also Sadists.
> The best gift to give an Aries is designer colored nylon rope in their
favorite color. They live to tease and torture...HEY...Somebody's gotta do it,
right? They like hair pulling. Beware of their 'toy' collections. Don't tease
them...they will rape you. They love pony boys and girls...I cannot emphasize
this enough! They like it doggie style especially if they are steering. Give an
Aries 100 feet of rope and a 250 dollar flogger, they will follow. As long as
they get to be the one holding the handle.
> Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
> Ever heard the saying "Been there. Done that?" chances are it came from a
Gemini. They are always changing...they are the eternal Chameleon. You never
know who you are fucking that day.
> They have had sex.
> A lot of sex.
> Probably because they are in a constant state of flux...always looking for the
new high.
> The biggest turn on for a Gemini is: LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION.
> Here is just a smattering of places that I know Geminis have fucked: In the
elevator of the moseleum of Forest Lawn Cemetary DURING A FUNERAL. Wine cellars
in nightclubs. Vip Areas of Theatres. Public Parks. The 18th Hole of a private
golf course. In the center of a race track just as the flag was going up. On
various Gym equipment at numerous health spas. A football stadium during the
SuperBowl. A Balcony railing at Mardis Gras in the French Quarter...just to name
a few.
> If it's shiny...they will want it. They are big on DRAMA so be prepared for
them to set the mood for sex no matter WHERE you might end up. They WILL take
the initiative. They live off their charm. If they are male and gay they will
still be the greatest fuck your female friend has ever had. Go figure. They are
also Voyeurs but always willing to lend a hand ... or any other part of anatomy.
If they are depressed, suck on their fingers, that always seems to cheer them
up. Their goal is to fuck in the front row of the OSCARS when the cameras pans
on them so that they can wave.
> Cancer (June 22 - July 22) -- 69
> This is the sign that needs to be cuddled. They may believe that they were
born in the wrong period or century. They DWELL in the
past...Victorian...Roman...Medieval...You name it.
> They usually will only fuck at night...come to think of it...they fuck better
at night anyway. Maybe its because they are ruled by the Moon. This is a sign
that is looking for TRUE love...I mean REAL TRUE DEEP LOVE...that 'Romancing The
Stone' Frikkin 'Wuthering Heights' kind of love. They probably cry at the end of
any Jane Austen flick. They want to be swept off of their feet. They really do
deserve it, too. They are constantly dumped on by previous past fucktard ex
lovers that think they own them. Sometimes Cancers pick the wrong guy/girl and
get beat up or emotionally hurt. Why? They think its what they deserve. Which is
bullshit. They are wonderful people. They love water sports
(jacuzzis/pools/showers/saunas/bathouses...) They want to be comfortable while
fucking...oh sure the foreplay may have had you bent over a barstool...but when
you get home they want comfy couches, beds, fluffy pillows, anything soft and
fuzzy that is not a pet. Cancerians also have a horrible tendency to misplace
their clothing. Highly Exhibitionistic. They live for long as it
tastes good. Karma Sutra honey dust is a good
cream..anything with sugar...fruit...Don't rush them they smolder. But when you
get started, be ready for a long night. They like to play with ice cubes, too.
Also nipples are a BIG thing for Crabs...they all secretly wish to get their
nipples pierced. Can be submissive highly. Masturbation is where they get their
bonus points at. Be warned: They like 'em you better be ready to
dress up like an Animation school boy/girl with a whip to keep 'em.
> haha... it's all true !! lol
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)--
> Let the games begin! Libra will try anything once. Twice to make sure they
liked it. Three times to be absolutely sure. Do not touch a Libra's head during
oral sex...that may work with an Aries, but not here. Libras LOVE giving oral -
They LOVE getting it , too. But don't feel like they get enough...too bad,
because they sure as hell are getting enough of everything else. They will buy
toys to make YOU use it on THEM. Libras are mental creatures that believe in
living and fulfilling fantasies that they haven't done in real life...which is
rare because they have done almost EVERYTHING. They have no problem sploshing.
To them, sitting in a pie COULD be fun. Porn? Bring it on! Sex, video AND food?
ALRIGHT! They are heavily exhibitionistic by accident. They are accident prone,
they lose bras, underware, condoms....they also accidentally end up in bed with
people. Amazing how THAT works! They like to cross dress. Both sexes do this
quite well, actually. Male Librans are mistaken for women all the time, and
Female Libras are mistaken for men every now and again too...its because they
are under the goddess Aphrodite. They are never just ONE sex. They can always
feel what the opposite sex feels. Which is why they are rarely clingy, except in
rare circumstances when they have been led on, then watch the manipulative side
of the scales swing. They love to role play and play dress up. They like to
dress like hookers or Queen Elizabeth (This is the men, too!) Who are they
really? It depends on what day of the week it is. They believe that life is too
short to date ugly people in more ways than one. So if you are being shagged by
a Libra, there is a good reason. Whether you are attractive physically,
emotionally, mentally or have a fantastic sense of humor, there is always a
reason for a Libra to be fucking you. But they HATE vulgarity. They despise
feeling like they are on a waiting list to get your attention...worse yet,
feeling like they are your groupie. That won't last long, then. They have
already figured out HOW to destroy they are biding their time to see
how long until they throw YOU away...with nothing. But, if you get past all
that, expect long luxurious nights talking and playing Strip Tarot or Naked
Chess. They are the Graceful Slut...but not slutty and yet accident prone. If
you are going to fuck a Libra: Get mirrors. Lots of them. They have more vanity
issues than a Gemini. Nothing is TOO kinky for them. They are the eternal
Courtesan or Concubine. They are sex therapists, porn writers who knows?
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
> LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)
> If you fuck up just once with a Leo...That's IT. Don't be expecting them to
take you back. They are not willing victims, after all, they CHOSE
screwed up? They can UN-Choose you just the same. They live for Menage a
Trois...or Qua...or Cinco....anything in a group is okay as long as they are in
the middle. Leos also like bubble baths. Once you start with a not
think you can just turn their emotions on or off like a switch...they demand
satisfaction. NOW. All the stress in the world ends up in the Leo neck...They
need neckrubs...they feel like they have the entire weight of the world on their
head. If its kinky, a Leo has probably done it..You know Madonna's a LEO, right?
She masters the Madonna/Whore/Goddess thing pretty well, huh? I wonder why?
Could it be cause shes a fuckin' LEO? yep. Valmont was probably a Leo. They
probably have the movie at home. Get out your furry gloves and faux mink whips
for this kitten. they love soft floggers and there is a specific spot on their
back right above their tailbone that is heaven to them where if touched right
will actually make them think I'm bullshitting you? Try it, I dare
ya. Leo likes doing doggystyle that's a given. As long as it feels good, but
leos also like missionary if they are in love with there lover that is the most
intimate position as you two look in each other eyes. Their underware is to say the least, if they are wearing any. They LIVE for
boudoir photography. They LOVE to be photographed. If they can afford a nude or
semi nude photo of it now. Leos are born and bred to be porn
stars...even if they act prude about it..they have thought about it. The best
sex partner is a Scorpio leos love them... Rubies jewels usually are their love.
Love to have their hair brushed and played with. You had better be vocal in bed
with them...they want to hear how well they are doing. If a Leo has chosen YOU
as a mate. Just accept it and enjoy the ride. Be prepared for anything. They
have no problem tying you down. They ARE the naughty school teacher, the pirate
captain, the gypsy king and Cleopatra all rolled into one.
> SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
> HOLEE SHIT! here comes the masters and mistresses of FUCKing
> Sorry Leo, but Scorps ARE the leaders in the Kink O Rama factor (Leos are in
second place, so don't worry that much leos)
> Scorpios KNOW how to seduce.
> They KNOW what is kinky.
> They are highly manipulative.
> They KNOW how to get you to do what THEY want.
> They KNOW how to fuck.
> And they are making room for modifications.
> All they have to do is walk into a room and look at you, and you WILL be on
your back assuming the position.
> Anne Rice (During her 'Beauty' phase) wants to be a Scorpio. Leos and Scorpios
make for a fabulous tryst.they are the BEST in bed together..but if the emotions
are not there then that's a different story. Don't dare TRY to make a Scorpio
jealous...they will duct tape you to a chair and make you watch them fuck your
boss..or your sister/brother..or Mother...hell, that's their idea of a typical
normal Thursday night. They love to use gag balls. They always have carpet burns
on their knees and back...this is from their constant rutting like a wild weasel
in heat. They are also very cunning and secretive. They have a fetish for riding
crops and bridles. Most Scorpios have mastered the Binaca Blowjob for heightened
and elongated pleasure. I hope you can go the distance and can make them
come...otherwise gods help ya.
> Favorite Song: Master and Servant.
> Most female Scorpios have a horrible tendency of being Alcohol Lesbians...get
them drunk enough they will kiss a girl...or two....or three...or five....
> but beware their sting!
> Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
> Right out the chute I am going to tell you...THEY LOVE TO BE SHAVED.
> True love is being shaved.
> Sagittarius love is being shaved by someone they love.
> And they LOVE to travel.
> They are constantly moving.
> They are always packing and going somewhere. They are the outdoorsy type. Why
fuck in a tent when you can be surrounded by Sequoias under a moonlit night and
have sex? Sags will Fuck Everywhere! Most Sags flash body parts and are closet
nudists. They will be the first to register for nude volleyball at the nudist
resort. Don't get me wrong, they have a TON of provocative clothing at home, but
they like to be naked. EVERYWHERE.
> They don't know why its against the law to drive naked in a convertable
especially. It just doesn't seem right. Downright Anti-American to them. They
are also bleeding heart causefighters. They believe that sex is a biological
function amongst friends...why fight it when you can fuck it? A perfect night
for them is to :
> Talk. Fuck. Talk. Fuck. Go out and look at sea otters..Pick some
flowers...Talk. Fuck. Laugh. Have a drink. Talk. Fuck. Dinner. Fuck. Sleep. Fuck
and Fuck some more!
> Male Sags have more fetishes than a female Sag. Foot
fetishes...Lingerie...Female Sags are nature lovers: Do it in the bushes, Sex on
the beach, in the ocean, hell behind the local laundrymat! Kinky? they Love
Kinky. Wear that pirate getup for these girls, they'll be on their knees in a
heartbeat. They'll dress kinky and skip the panties under a short skirt if
you're going out on the town, just to get you going, and I do mean going~ these
girls want it all night long! Whipped cream, body oils and bondage,Licking and
sucking, whatever it takes to keep the party going! . They believe in doing it
and doing it often! fucking before the movie starts..., fucking at the theatre
during the previews and maybe a quick blowjob on the way home.
> Sag females love sexing up your whole body! Give them a chance, there won't be
a body part they haven't sucked licked or fucked!You can touch them anywhere and
they got hott cause they're freaky like that! They love leg rubs and jacuzzis,
this is because their thighs are a hot spot...They'll be the ones holding you up
fucking in the closet at your friends housewarming party at two in the morning.
They are built for lot and lots of sex in any way shape or form, kinky or slow
teasing, fast and hard or slow and easy~ if you want to get your freak on,
Sagittarians are the way to go! None of the other signs love Sex as Much as a
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
> Just as I was writing this one, my Capricorn friend proceeds to call
me...Capricorns are psychic by accident. They have no idea the fates smile on
them from time to time...they just accept it and move on. You can turn on a
Cappie just by breathing on them. They are strong and responsible and have
dignity. But they are too easy to turn on sometimes. And watch out when they are
horny...whoever is in the room better have protection. They are natural
screamers and leave bite marks. they like sex a lot as a favorite past time.
Usually during commercial breaks is perfect. Its nothing for a Cappie to fuck
seven or eight times during commercial breaks in an hour long T.V. Show. They
like to do it in the shower...on the furniture...on other peoples furniture...on
other peoples, if they are in the
could be at the Presiden't inauguration...get ready for some nookie!
> They love to bite.
> They might seem at first sight of them rather cold and insensitive.
> But when they warm up?
> There is no stopping them.
> They like to have the back of their knees licked.
> They live for tongue massages.
> They think porno is just SILLY...who thought THAT up? But they will watch it
to see if they are missing anything.
> Give them dim lighting, a roaring fireplace and a nice bottle of
might as well reconcile yourself to the fact that you better leave the phones
off for the entire weekend and order food in.
> They like to play long as they are in charge.
> This is a misunderstood sign...they can be very kinky. As long as it is with
people they love.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) --
> MY favorite sluts are Aquarius. Why? Because if you don't expect anything in
return, you won't be disappointed. Sounds easy, huh? They will get under your
skin though, so beware. It's easy to be hurt by an Aquarius because they don't
want you to know what they are thinking. If they are silent but you are in the
room with them...chances are they are in heavy thought. But don't worry, chances
are they are thinking about you...and fifteen other things. Water bearers look
at sex like it is a form of recess. They can turn you on by simply walking in
the room. They are the Rain Man of the Zodiac. They give too much of themselves
to others that don't give a shit...then get shy to those that care about them.
> Go figure.
> They like kinky. They are easy going. To them, it's a learning experience.
Male Aquarians like to tease and live life in a fantasy world. Female Aquarians
can't masturbate enough...Males never get the chance to masturbate because
everybody wants a piece of them. They like their ankles nibbled. They love back
massages. Their ultimate adventure is the "But we might get caught" game.
> They will fuck wherever they run the risk of being seen or found by another
lover. Don't expect faithfulness from these's just not in their
DNA. They are open minded to the point that anything shiny will derail their
train of thought. Fucking while standing or leaning is a plus here. Fuck with
their mind and they will follow you anywhere. They enjoy being fucked in groups
of three. Think being Jack Nicholson in bed with the three Witches of Eastwick?
This is a Aquarian dream. They need you to make the first move. Not to be
dominated. But to bring them back to earth now and again for a little physical
funtime. They get lost in the clouds a lot. Don't derail from your personal
pleasure course, however, otherwise you will be just talking to them all night.
which can be stimulating just as well too. Beware! They are the flirts and
teases from HELL! Never take one on a trip to a Home Depot when you are both
horny. This can lead to nasty things.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Pisces (Feb. 19- Mar. 20)
> Get out the boots - Stilletto heels - foot creams and panty come
da fishies!
> They are the LEADERS in foot fetish. Masturbation in shoes? Okay. Toe
masturbation...bring it on! They love using their feet.
> Suck on a Pisceans toes and SEE what happens!
> Fucking in the water and see them squirm.
> Pisces have probably done it in a sex swing. Or at least considered how strong
the ceiling beams are on their house to put one in. Pisces men break furniture
when they fuck...things get flung everywhere.
> Pisces can be turned on by the wierdest things...Trains...Water
fountains...Jump rope...Whatever. They are the sirens calling you to the beach
where you will end up on your back on a towel with water all over you and not
wanting it to stop.
> I have heard it said that its the pisces that will cross the darker kinky side
at least once...just to say "YEP. did that. Not that great" OR "What do you MEAN
you never......" SAM from sex and the city should be a Pisces. These babes are
perfectionists. You will have a perfect orgasm with will
fact, they strive for perfection in everything they's all in th details
for them. There will not be ONE hair out of place with a Pisces. All of their
fetish jewlery will match a specific whip or dress or shoes.
> EVERYTHING MUST MATCH! I have one Pisces friend that has nipple tassles that
match for every pair of underware and whip that she owns! NO SHIT! You might
think they are shy! HA! They are just planning something. I had a Pisces Friend
(Same Pisces friend with the matching tassles by the way) who was at a nudist
beach in Brazil (You will always find a Pisces at a beach...its inbred in them)
A middle aged man in his early 50's or so came up to her and immediately saw her
body and BABING! got a hard on!
> Not feeling shocked in any way, shape or form, she walked right up to him and
put her hand on his cock for a moment , then with her same hand took her
sunglasses off , looked him RIGHT in the eye and said "DAHLING, your erection is
SUPERB!" and she walked off never to see him again.
> You never can tell what the hell a Pisces will do, but I guarantee that it
will be SUPERB!
> SECRET: Pisces women fall for a man that can wear a high heel and garter. And
look good
> Repost this as "Naughty Horoscopes...I'm a..."